


My Life, a Hell You're Making, You Know I'm Yours For the Taking

by shouldbeover



Series: The Blue Moon Set [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky behaves badly, Catholic Guilt, Catholic Steve Rogers, Heartbreak, M/M, Minor Character Death, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-08-24 03:53:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8356018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shouldbeover/pseuds/shouldbeover
Summary: Sarah Rogers' death makes Steve fear for his soul.
 
(Warning: Bucky is unkind to someone else when Steve hurts him.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Body and Soul--John W. Green, Edward Hayman, Robert Sour, Frank Eyton, 1930

When Steve’s mother got sick she got really sick, really fast.  She probably had been sick for a long time but keeping it from Steve, drowning her coughs in medicine and into her pillow.   So when she started coughing blood, so much that she couldn’t hide it, she was already too close to death.  

  
Steve was by her bedside night and day.  Most of the hospital  staff knew and loved Sarah Rogers and by extension her son, and many knew Steve well from his frequent stays.  They had no problem ignoring visiting hours for him.

  
"Dear God," Steve prayed on his knees by Sarah's bed, "please don't take my mother.  Please don't punish her because of my sin.  I promise that I'll stop being with Bucky like that if you just make her well."

  
When he wasn't working Bucky was there too, partially because he had loved Sarah Rogers as well, but partly to look after Steve.  "You gotta get some sleep, Stevie.  You're going to  make yourself sick."

  
And Steve did, ending up in his own hospital bed in the men's ward.  At Steve's  desperate urging, Bucky kept vigil at Sarah's side while Steve couldn't.

"James," Sarah whispered one night.  Bucky was dozing and almost didn't hear her soft voice, broken and fragile as it was.

  
"Yes, Mrs. Rogers, I'm here."

  
Sarah smiled weakly.  "You've always been there for Steve, haven't you?  Looked after him like a brother.  You're such a good person, James.  Steve's lucky to have you."  She sighed, worn out by the effort.

  
After a pause she continued, "Look after him when I'm gone, James."

  
She was too far gone for Bucky to protest that she would get better.  He smiled at her, "I'll always look after Steve, Mrs. Rogers."

  
"I know you will.  Help him, James.  Help him find a nice girl, one who will see what you and I have always seen in him.  Promise me you will.  I know she's out there for him."

  
Bucky's blood ran cold.  What could he say to a woman's dying wish?  But the last thing he ever wanted was for Steve to find a nice girl.  It was probably selfish and sinful, but he couldn't imagine, didn't want to imagine that he and Steve wouldn't be together forever.  "I'll try, ma'am," he finally managed.  He told himself it wasn't a lie.  He'd try, he just wouldn't try very hard.

  
Three days later Sarah Rogers soul departed her body, her hand slipping gently from Steve's.

  
Bucky had to work so missed the funeral, but his mother and sisters went to support Steve, and Bucky caught up with him after.  

  
"I was gonna ask..."  Bucky began.

  
"I know what you're gonna say, Buck, but I can get by on my own."

  
"The thing is, you don't have to.  I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal."

  
Steve smiled but then he looked down at his shoes.

  
Bucky went on, "We can move in together, Steve.  Be together all the time now."

  
“I can’t, Bucky.  It’s got to stop.  It’s different…now that ma’s going to be up in heaven maybe watching, I don’t know.  I— I love you, love you so much, but the physical stuff is wrong and we both know it.  It’s a sin and we can’t go on.”

  
Bucky staggered back on the wooden steps.  He’d guessed that Steve would resist, his fierce pride making him refuse to admit that he needed help, but this?  He’d never thought that Steve would say it was over.  It couldn’t be over.  He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut, a physical pain.

  
“Steve, you don’t mean that.  You can’t mean that.  I know you’re grieving now and you’re not thinking straight.  But you know your ma would want you to be happy.  You know that.  Don’t I make you happy?  Aren’t we happy together?  You said it didn’t feel like sin.  Please, Steve, please don’t do this.”

  
Steve bit his lip.  “We’re still friends, Bucky.  That’ll never change, but we can’t, I can’t…” his voice dropped so low that Bucky had to strain to hear it, “I know I won’t be strong enough to resist you if I’m near ya’ all the time, so I can’t.  Please don’t ask, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

  
He went inside and shut the door in Bucky’s face.

  
“Steve,” Bucky pleaded, pounding on the door.  “Please don’t do this.  We can talk about it, we can work something out, I promise.”  A neighbor came out to glare at him, but he didn’t care.  “Please, Stevie, I’m begging ya’, please.”

  
But the door remained shut. On the other side Steve slid down to the floor and sat, clutching his knees and sobbing as he hadn’t at his mother’s grave.  She was gone now and now he was losing Bucky, had to let Bucky go to save their souls.  He was all alone in the world.

  
He didn't see Bucky again for a month.  A long agonizing month.  Neighbors came round and gave him plates of food that he couldn’t eat.  He shuffled back to his job sweeping up at the grocers.  Bucky, who normally stopped by to grab fruit for his lunch, didn’t come by.  

  
Bucky went a little mad.  He drank too much.  He took out girls, easy girls who were sure things.

  
"Ain't we going dancing?" asked Carol, a girl he'd screwed a few times in the back seat of the car.

  
"Later, Baby doll.  Just burning up right now, let's crawl in the back and mess around a bit first.

  
Carol bit her lip.  She liked Bucky.  He usually treated her like a lady, well, at least until they were in the car.  Not like other guys.  "Sure, I guess, Bucky."

  
After, when they were putting themselves back together, Carol said, "Gee, that was a little rough, Bucky.  You know I'll do what you ask 'cos I like you, you don't gotta force me."

  
Her voice was sad and resigned and Bucky felt even worse than he had before.

  
"Aw, ya' laddered my stocking!  I only got these too.  Guess I'll be drawing the lines on for awhile."  She sounded like she might cry, and Bucky knew it wasn't really about the stockings.

  
"I'm sorry, Carol.  I shouldina been trying to go so fast.  You're a really swell girl, and you've always been good to me.  Let me buy you another pair."

  
Carol stiffened, "I don't need your charity, Barnes.  I'm not...I don't..."

  
"Baby, baby, I know.  I mean I didn't mean-- I know you're not.  You're a great girl who likes a fun time just like me.  I just feel so bad about your stockings and everything.  Let's go to McGinty's drug store and I'll get you a new pair and a soda then we can go dancing.  'Kay?  It'll be just like always."

  
Carol pulled herself together as she reapplied her lipstick with her compact mirror.  "I think you should just take me home, Bucky.  I think that's for the best.  Don't worry about the stockings, it happens."

  
They drove home in silence.  Bucky kissed her hand when he opened the door for her, and she let him pull her in for a hug.  "I know a heartbreak when I see it, Bucky," she whispered in his ear.  "I hope the girl who hurt you knows what a swell guy she lost."

  
Bucky bit back a sob andthe desire to tell her everything.  He mustered up his old cocky grin as well as he could.  "You got it wrong, nobody breaks Bucky Barnes' heart.  I just...you know, an old friend died and I just really wanted some comfort.  Sorry I wasn't so good about it.  Next time, we'll hit the ballroom so hard they'll give us a prize.  Get champagne and everything."

  
"Sure, Bucky, next time," she answered, but there was no happiness her voice.  


End file.
